Shit Day Playlist

Today was just one of those days that really couldn't seem to end soon enough. Unfortunatley, I got a late start to this day (try 4:30 in the afternoon), and it still doesn't seem to want to end (not tired, can't fall asleep). I just feel like I am smothered, and because of it I can't find the words how to express what I am feeling... even though that is exactly what I need to do. And because I can't do it, I will give you this instead:

Playlist For A Shitty Day:

• Wonderwall- Ryan Adams
• Motion Picture Soundtrack- Radiohead
• St. Patrick's Day- John Mayer
• Non-Believer- Joel Plaskett
• Come Pick Me Up- Ryan Adams
• In The Waiting Line- Zero 7
• Hide and Seek- Imogen Heap
• Talk Show Host- Radiohead
• Slow Dancing In A Burning Room- John Mayer
• House Where Nobody Lives- Tom Waits
• The Briar and the Rose- Holly Cole
• Political Scientist- Ryan Adams
• Something So Sweet- Suzie Vinnick
• Not Myself- John Mayer
• Can't Help Falling In Love With You- Bob Dylan
• To Be Alone With You- Sufjan Stevens
• Nightbirds- Ryan Adams
• Departure Bay- Diana Krall

Coming Soon:

"Playlist for When the Shit Hits the Fan"

Stupid Slutty Musicians

Beck said it best:

"I think I'm in love but it makes me kind of nervous to say so".

I think we have definatley all felt this way one time or another. Lately I seem to feel it a little too often. It's not that I'm some boy crazy maniac, but it seems that lately I have been looking for a relationship more than I have been say... oh, two weeks ago. I don't really understand what's in me that changed, because two weeks ago I would have said that I wasn't even interested in a relationship, even if there was someone there to start it with.

And there isn't really even one to start something with. The boy that I am finding myself attracted to is someone that I would find attractive. He is confident, and he's a bass player. But this isn't someone I would ever consider dating. He's a typical musician slut, and the first night that I saw him at Lydia's when he was playing on a Friday night. He was sitting with a woman at the bar that I was sure he would be taking home that night. I just watched him, and hung out with my friends after-hours, and he eventually left... same time as me, but with someone. I went home.

But I acutally met him the next night when a friend introduced us. I was really cold to him though. I assumed that he was a typical rockstar slut like so many of my male musician friends are, and I didn't want anything to do with him. He asked me to play a game of pool though, and even though I was rude the entire time we ended up hanging out afterwards. Nothing really happened, even though he tried. But we did visit, and we did connect, and I ended up leaving him the next morning before he woke up. I did leave my number though, and I didn't think anything of it. I chalked it up to a fun night with a new bass player friend Calgary.

I never expected that he would call me, but the weekend that I spent with Jeff in Regina, he did. I was sitting on Jeff's couch watching a Prince video. It was wierd because I didn't know who it was, but when he told me I didn't believe him. We talked for about ten minutes, and then we exchanged email addresses.

And now I am sitting here on a Thursday night at 3:00 a.m. in the morning waiting for a message, because that is what we do. We have been talking on the computer every morning, and almost every night. Pretty lame, but we had a connection when he was in Saskatoon with his band, and it has seemed to transferred over to an internet connection... the only connection that one can have easily between Saskatoon and Calgary. It seems to have even become more than that though.

The other night we were talking, and the conversation led him to tell me that he liked me. So he likes me. Great, right? Wrong. It is wrong because he is in Calgary and now we have Teegan, queen of being single and independant, thinking about some stupid bass player slut in Calgary. Somehow he has managed to become something so much more than a sort of one night thing that I talk to occasionally online about bass amps and bass guitars. He has become someone who I have shared recordings of my music with, and personal things with. I think about dating and how we would even try to make it work. We get along, and there is definatley a mutual attraction, who could blame me?

But I'm sure he's a slut. I know that sounds horrible, but I know so many of them and I can read them like a book, because so many of my guy friends are exactly that. I see musicians in Saskatoon even just on a dance floor, and the way the treat women and the way they can pass the ones that are willing around back and forth between them all. I see the way that they eye-fuck every woman who is dancing from the stage when they are playing their instrument. And I've seen them at the after-parties, where they invite girls up to the band room to drink as much alcohol as quick as possible as they all decide which girl they want to take to their bedroom. I hate these girls, as much as I feel sorry for them.

I have always been proud of the fact that all my skanky musician guy friends respect me. They would never even think of trying to take me home, even if they wanted to because they know that I am not like that. They tell me I look good, that I'm talented and they stay far away. They aren't interested in a "girl like me", and I'm not interested in someone who sleeps around all the time like they do. But somehow I wonder if I have become one of those girls, even just a little bit, because even though our contact is limited, I think i'm sort of, maybe a little bit, just kinda falling for this guy in Calgary.

But I know I can't. I know his type, and he's given me proof of his type in the form of a song. A song that he wrote. It is actually a very, VERY beautiful song. I listened to it and it made me like him more, until I heard a particular line in his song. It felt like I was slapped in the face, and it snapped me back to reality. A reality where I remember that I am not some random girl that you met at one of your shows. A reality where I am not the girl you take home that was on the dance floor one night watching you. One simple line in his song that revealed so much:

"Could she be perfect for only one night"

If he really wants me he'll get in a car, a plane, or a bus to see me, because I am not a one night type of girl.

And I just got a message from him.

Real Life Education

Apparently if I was still in school I would be in the middle of midterms. I would be handing in a lot of essays, studying my brain out, and then trying to regurgitate everything that I learned onto a piece of paper. It would eventually get graded and handed back to me by the time finals were starting. I don't really miss this at all, but in a lot of ways I still like I'm being tested every single day.

For starters, my living arrangements are not very good right now. My patience is being tried every single day by a tennant downstairs, and also by my roommate, Brett. He has a new girlfriend who is here all the time, and therefore making small house crowded with four, instead of just three. It seems they sometimes also don't do their dishes. They also enjoy having two hour long showers together. We have one bathroom. Luckily, Kathryn and I are getting out of here as soon as we can... as in 10 days.

I have also been planning my life around a certain tour that I have just got dates for TODAY. I was supposed to be gone all October, but that feel through... I barely got by this month. I will be gone in November though... but for two weeks. This will be a huge test for me in a lot of different ways. Musically, it will be a good experience. But I think its going to be a huge party too, an exhausting party where a lot of travelling is involved.

Another thing that is also frusterating about the tour is I have no idea where the tour is. I know the first four dates. We are opening up for Teddy Geiger. But I have no idea when any of the rest of the tour is. And packing is going to suck.

And as far as Monday nights go, there will be no more Monday night education. I don't need to wait around for anybody. Steve is a great friend, but thats as far as its ever going to get. This test is done. I'd say that I passed.

Monday Night Education

I think I need to switch the name of my blog to "Teegan's Late Night Thoughts". It seems the only time that I ever have inspiration to write is after a night at Lydia's, or after a gig. Tonight (and last night) it was at both.

I have been playing at Lydia's a lot lately. I play with my own jazz band every Sunday night, and I also became a part of a rock/pop/country group that plays every Monday night. The guys in the band are Mark, Steve, and Bray, and we all get along great. It is really fun, and really different from most of my other experiences in music, which is usually jazz music. It is a Monday night education in a few genres of music, and it is fun.

Monday nights are amazing, except for one small thing. I am in love with one of the guys in the band, Steve. What is even worse about it is that I know Steve's in love with me too. This would be a really great thing, except he has a girlfriend. She lives in Meadow Lake.

This wouldn't be a problem if Steve and I didn't have this chemistry, but we do. We have this chemistry that I have never experienced with any other person. When we are together, noone else is around, and we end up in our own little world. We will sit and laugh and talk and laugh some more. We are attracted to eachother, and it doesn't just translate in everyday conversation.

It shows when we are onstage. He leans into me when he plays, and I lean into him. I close my eyes when I play and when I open them he is smiling at me. I make fun of him right before he sings so he screws up, and he makes fun of me when I mess up the chords... which is pretty much all the time.

And every week I have to pretend like it doesn't happen. I have to be "professional". I have to turn a blind eye to what is happening, even though there is something between us that noone else will ever be a part of, even his girlfriend. I can meet a wonderful guy and be totally crazy about him, like I was this weekend, and have him be completley erased from my memory on Monday night all because of the chemistry between Steve and I.

I come home on Monday night at two in the morning. I wash my face and brush my teeth. I lay down in my bed and think of the night I just had. I look at the clock, and soon its 3 am. I close my eyes. I think of Steve, and I think of this chemistry.

Steve gets home on a Monday night. He is tired, and has to work early, but he thinks of the night. He thinks of the music, and how it was played. Then he thinks of the girl who stood next to him all night smiling at him. He thinks of how much fun he had with her and how much fun he loves spending time with her. He thinks of me, but then he remembers that he has a girlfriend in Meadow Lake.

And the the cycle repeats itself every Monday, but I can't say anything. I have to be professional, and this is my Monday night education.

Top Ten Ways to Deal with Disappointment

10. Talk to a friend.
Yes, this is great until you realize that they really don't care and don't feel like talking to you about why you are, in fact, feeling disapointed. I'm not saying I have a careless friend, I'm just saying she was tired and I had bad timing.

9. Overanalyze everything until it finally makes sense.
This seems like its a sure thing, right? WRONG. Overanalyzing just makes things way more confusing in your head until you just keep overanalyzing and you think its this way but it could actually be the other way but it could also be because of something else that you had no idea was going on... yea. I'm more confused than I was before too.

8. Eat.
Go to McDonald's. Eat a McChicken burger with a super size fries with extra McChicken sauce. You will completley forget why you were disapointed and now be upset that you are going to get fat.

7. Try to find yourself some comfort by relating to the lyrics of a John Mayer song.
"You can cross the line whenever you'd like/I'm calling it love soon". Yea, thats right. He'll come around, just like John Mayer said... he's just too chicken shit to cross the line. He'll cross the line and ask for my phone number when he's ready. Riiiiight.....

6. Work out.
You just ate a McChicken burger, a supersize fries, and half a pound of McChicken sauce.

5. Sleep.
We all know that sleep is a really good way of covering up any type of emotion. I have no smart comments about this... we sleep to dream, and we dream to escape.

4. Get all dressed up and go out.
This is a great idea. At least until you notice the person who disapointed you in the first place is in the same room. What started as a "I feel really good about myself right now" type of night quickly will turn into a "I wonder if he noticed me yet" and "Why is he talking to that girl over there... oh no. They are dating aren't they!". Yes, human beings can really be this pathetic.

3. Make up a list of horrible excuses in your head about why he hasn't asked you out yet such as "maybe he just doesn't want to ruin the friendship, "maybe he wants to take things slow", and my personal favorite, "maybe he's just intimidated by me".
Excuses are a great way of avoiding reality.

2. Read the book "He's just not that into you"
This will get the excuses out of your head and help yourself realize that "he's just not that into you" or he would have asked you out already.

And the number one way to deal with disappointment is....

1. Write a blog at 3 a.m. that noone will read.

Ipods rock

I don't know why I am doing this again. I supposed that I am so bored right now that anything will be entertaining. But, lets face it. Ipods are pretty high tech, and apparently have magic eight ball like properties to them. Silly, yes, but it is definatley going to entertain me for about 12 minutes, and lets face it, I need the entertainment. Anyway, the drill is put on the ipod playlist, and let it magically awnser these questions without any cheating... which is why they never make sense. Fun, right? No... not really.

1. What's my mood like right now? Here, There and Everywhere- The Beatles
Actually, my mood isn't here, or there... or everywhere. It's just plain shitty. I am in my dark room by myself on a Friday night. I don't really feel like going out, but I don't feel like being home either. I don't feel like doing anything except sitting here and just feeling shitty.

2. How's tomorrow going to be for me? The Way We Get By- Spoon
Yea, I am barely getting by right now. I'm supposed to be touring Canada but it got delayed for a month so I am currently unemployed and looking for a new place to live because I put in my notice because I didn't think I'd even be here! Barely getting by... could explain my "here, there and everywhere" type of mood

3. What kind of person am I? Storm In A Teacup- Red Hot Chilli Peppers
I'll let you decide what that means.

4. Am I loved? Lonely Lonely- Feist
I will take that as a yes. I am loved. And I might be a little lonely, but aren't we all?

5. How can I achieve my highest potential? Whatever It Takes- Ron Sexsmith
That's a little bit of a coincidence! Do whatever it takes... thats some pretty sweet advice. Awww I love Ron Sexsmith. He has the word "sex" in his name!

6. What should I do with my life? It Never Entered My Mind- Holly Cole
"What should I do with my life?" seems to be a question that enters peoples mind way too early. Yea, its good to think about the future but I think that young adults coming out of highschool forget that they are only 18 years old. They have their entire life to think about what they want to be when they grow up. They need to work a shit job for a year, travel maybe, and just stop to smell the flowers.

7. Is everything really going to be alright in the end? Surely (I Love You)- Colin James and the Lil' Big Band
Well you heard what the man said! "Surely!"

8. What is my best quality? Some King of Wonderful- Joss Stone
Okay, I might have cheated one song over on this one, but the other song that came up first was "Gosli" by Sigur Ros... and thats in Norwiegan or something and that doesn't cound because nobody knows what that means! Besides, we all know I'm wonderful... and we didn't need an ipod to tell us that!

9. How does my sex life look? Weight- Sarah Slean
Yes... I will wait, and it will be worth it!

10. What's the meaning of life? Love- Prince
I actually do think that is the meaning of life. Nobody knows for sure what really happens when we die. It is the relationships in our life that truly are the reason why we live. Parents, friends, lovers... love makes the ride worthwhile.

11. What do people think of me? Don't need an ipod to awnser this one! I don't give a fuck what people think of me. I don't have time in my life for people who think badly of me or judge me, and neither should you!

12. Would I make a good catch? Only Heart- John Mayer
"Yea You... You got my only heart". Yup. I'd be a good catch... if you are the person I'm supposed to marry. I'm not saying that there is one soul mate for everybody (there was a Sex and the City episode about this) but you can't just put two random people together and have it work. As far as I know, I havn't met the person I'm supposed to marry yet. Or maybe I have. It doesn't really matter though either way. I am not ready for marriage anytime soon anyway.

13. How crazy am I? Dance All Night- Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
This sounds familiar... like say Ness Creek Music Festival? One of the craziest nights there (which was all three nights) was the night we went to the chill tent... it was a dj tent where people could just go to dance after the bands ended at 2:30. My friends and I passed around a tequila bottle and danced until 8 a.m. the next morning. I ended up passing out around then, and had to get carried to my tent by my awesome friends. All I have to say was it was the best weekend of summer and I can't wait until next year. I also highly recommend dancing all night. Dancing is good for the soul.

14. Will I have a good life in general? Something So Sweet- Suzie Vinnick
This is a really beautiful song. I don't know what else to say other than I'm actually going to have to listen to the whole thing... three times. It's about a breakup, but it doesn't talk about the end of love in a bad way. The entire song is about this awesome relationship and how they "had something so sweet", and that maybe again she can find that with someone else, or not... but it was worth all the pain. Anyway, if I am going to decipher the ipod's magical fortune telling ways it would tell me this: if you love this deeply, even just once, you will have had a good life because you experienced the purpose of life... love.

15. Can this (insert person here) ever really love me? Say Goodbye- Dave Matthews Band
This song is actually about a one night stand, but I'm going to read between the lines a little bit and just ignore the lyrics and focus in the title. All I have been doing lately is saying goodbye. But its not a bad thing. You have to say goodbye to someone before you can say hello again.

16. What's going to happen to me this week? Mixed Bizness- Beck
I really wish that I got this song under the sex life question. This is off the album "Midnight Vultures" which is all about sex. Opening line of the song: "mixed bizness with leather". Alright. Anyway, as far as I know this week won't involve any leather.

17. Where will I be a year from now? Waiting Song- Theresa Sokyrka
I guess I'll still be playing this song...

18. What is my biggest wish? Dancing When the Stars Go Blue
That awnser doesn't make sense at all... but this song still breaks my heart whenever I hear it. It reminds me of Ryan.

19. What is the love of my life doing at this very moment? Lonely Lonely- Feist
Out of all the songs on my playlist I got that one twice. He is lonely, maybe sitting on his bed listening to music, and typing a useless blog about his ipod. Or maybe he's out with his friends, but still feeling exactly the same as I am. It is a little bit of a comforting thought actually. This is my favorite song on the "Let It Die" album. I love it because after this very melancholy, mournful song, it picks up the end and has more of a joyful approach. It always reminds me of going home. I don't know home to, but just home.

20. How will I die? Try Me- Bob Marley and the Wailers
If there is reggae music playing when I die I will be a very happy girl.

21. What will happen after I die? Helpless- K.D Lang
Exactly.

Blog for a Friend

I have this really good friend, and she just got her heart broken by someone who really didn't have the right to. He made a promise, and then he broke it for whatever reason. It isn't fair, and it's going to hurt for awhile. Here are some words of wisdom that have gotten me through some less than perfect times.


"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of suffering and trail can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved"
-Helen Keller

"There will be a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
- Louis L'Amour

"You have to accept whatever comes, and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best you have to give"
-Eleanor Roosevelt

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planeed, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Cambell

"...strength and courage aren't always measured in medals and victories. They are measured in the struggles we overcome. The strongest people are not always the people who win, but the people who don't give up when they lose"

"Time will bring healing"
-Euripides

"To love is to be vulnerable"

Lastly... lyrics. Lyrics to a beautiful song called "Love is Everything". Read them. Embrace them. Kd Lang does a beautiful version of it. Find it and listen to it.

Love is Everything

Maybe it was to learn how to love
Maybe it was to learn how to leave
Maybe it was for the games we played

Maybe it was to learn how to choose
Maybe it was to learn how to lose
Maybe it was for the love we made

Love is everything they said it would be
Love made sweet and sad the same
But love forgot to make me too blind to see
You're chickening out aren't you?
You're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
I cant wait 'til you make The whole kingdom come
So I'm leaving

Maybe it was to learn how to fight
Maybe it was for the lesson in pride
Maybe it was the cowboys' ways

Maybe it was to learn not to lie
Maybe it was to learn how to cry
Maybe it was for the love we made

Love is everything they said it would be
Love did not hold back the reins
But love forgot to make me too blind to see
You're chickening out aren't you?
You're bangin' on the beach like an old tin drum
I cant wait 'til you make The whole kingdom come
So I'm leaving

First i turns to you
Then i turns away
So you try to hurt me back
But it breaks your body down
So you try to love bigger, better still
But its too late

So take a lesson from the strangeness you feel
And know you'll never be the same
And find it in your heart to kneel down and say
I gave my love didn't I? And I gave it big sometimes
And I gave it in my own sweet time
I'm just leaving
I'm just leaving


I know you'll get through this. You have a lot of people that love and care for you. Call anytime you need.