toxic

Relationships are forever. Whether it is your best friend from kindergarten you lost tough with in highschool, your first boyfriend you broke up with in grade 10, or your most recent boyfriend that you broke it off with in May, they will always be a part of who you are. This was the lesson that I was destined to learn this particular Monday evening.

I played with Sexually Attracted to Fire tonight, and the guest artist was a local band from Saskatoon... who decided to pick up my ex-boyfriend as the pedal-steel guitar player. Awesome. I knew this was coming for weeks too, and I ignored it for as long as I could. But this morning I woke up preparing for the invitable, and sure enough it eventually came.

I was rude to Luke tonight when he first talked to me talked to me (which was also the last), but I couldn't help it. I had the defensive play down to a tee. I was sarcastic, cold, and it was obvious that I had a wall up. And rightfully so. I have nothing but respect for Luke as a musician, and I was ready to support that tonight, even though I went to Lydia's tonight feeling that he never seems to support me. He never comes to my shows, and he seems to diminish the fun that I have when he told me about his experience jamming with Satf. I was defensive for a reason... plus he broke my heart. And the night when on. He played, and then I got up on stage and we played a set. The saddest part of the night was that I was aware of his presence all night... I needed up to know where he was at all times. I couldn't help it.

And the second set came along. It was going really well, and then all of a sudden one of Luke's friends came and told me that I was blocking his car in Lydia's parking lot. This was in the middle of set... we weren't done playing yet, and it completley threw off my concentration. And I immidiatley thought that Luke sent her to do it, and didn't have the balls to do it himself... which pissed me off. And then the set ended... so I went to yell at Luke.

And by yell I mean ask what the deal was. It was such a double standard. I would never confromt him, let alone get a friend to confront him if he was in the middle of a set, or even just on stage. It is disrespectful. I told him that, and the girl that told me, and then I went and moved my van. I packed up my bass and then went outside... Luke was there. He wanted to talk to me about the whole thing... and apparently he never sent the girl to talk to me... even though that is how it looked to me. It ended up being a blowout. We hurt eachother on a few different levels, and maybe I got a few things out I wanted to say in awhile, but we left, and ended up finishing it on msn. It was horrible. There are no other words to express it.

My point? Relationships never end, especially ones that used to function on an intimate level. And why would it? It is simple really. You had feelings for the person in the first place, so even if it didn't work out there is always going to be that attraction, and that care for the person even if you did break up. This is why people want so much to get back together even after months of breaking up. That is how I felt tonight. Just talking to that person, or hearing about them can bring back all the memories of why you dated in the first place, and why you loved them. And then try playing a gig with them. Good luck. I wanted more than anything to be rational and cool tonight, but love never seems to be rational... even if it's been over for months. Some people will always be toxic to you.

And I know I will have found the "one" when they aren't toxic to my well-being. And by that I mean someone who IS NOT a complete, selfish jackass.

Moments Like These

It has been awhile since I have been so touched by a song that tears flow out of my eyes like waterfalls. I mean I have cried a lot in my life while listening to music (and laughed too), but not because of the pure beauty of the music. Lately when I get emotional while listening to music it's because I was already feeling emotional that day and I would purposley pick music to fit my mood. It is incredibly special when a song can make you bring out emotions that you didn't even know where there. This happened to me recently and I want to share that song with you.

I was lying on my couch watching CMT on lazy afternoon. Yes, that is right, the country music channel. I'm enjoying the music that is playing, and I'm also reading. All of a sudden this beautiful piano line comes in. Just piano. Completley vulnerable, exposed, and naked. I check out who the song is by, sit up, and close shut my eyes. And then like a wave it hit me. I crumpled over and just started to cry. The simplicity of the song was so beautiful, the melody and the lyrics complimented it, and the voice. Jim Cuddy.

As I sit and cry, I begin to cry harder as a muted trumpet solo starts up. The special tingles and shivers explore my body as I take it all in. It is great because of the great instrumentation (trumpet, string arrangement, piano, guitar, bass, and brushes on the snare), but also because of the pure and honest nature of the song. And then it's over. And I shut of the tv, and I just sit. Experiences like that don't happen very often. It is because of this that makes moments like that so special, and makes music so sacred.

Maybe the song won't have the same effect to you as it did for me. But if you want to experience a really well written song, check out Pull me through by Jim Cuddy. Jim Cuddy is the lead singer of Blue Rodeo, and a talented song writer, as he proves with this song.

It is truly beautiful.

Cute Boy

Oh, Cute boy from Calgary why won't you come visit me!

It is true, I am still hung up on the same guy from Calgary I was like two months ago (refer to some post about slutty musicians). I never thought that things could get so complicated with someone who lives in a different province, but it really has. It's become its own little relationship, except with no boundries, no commitments, and I can't see him easily.

And it's not like we havn't tried. I was supposed to be there in like a week for a show with Theresa. He was going to get to come see me play, and I was going to go with him to his show after. Then he was also supposed to be in Saskatoon on New Years for a show, and it ended up falling through. We were both pretty dissapointed about it, or at least I was. And now he's supposed to be in Regina on the 15th and 16th of December, but that might fall through now too. And then there's always the talk of him coming to Saskatoon... which never seems to work out.

It never really seems to work out though. And we havn't gotten a whole lot of time to talk lately, although it still feels like there is some sort of relationship developing. It's rather confusing actually. Every time I'm even attracted to someone, or would consider a hookup or something dumb like that I think of him. I have no idea if he sleeps with other girls, and I have no idea what he really thinks of this "relationship". All I know is that he genuinley likes me, and I feel the same about him, but neither of us are willing to hop a train to eachothers respectives cities either. I almost think its out of our hands now.

Anyway, I've found the cure to my sleepness nights. If you are having trouble with the same thing, ask and I shall tell... but it rhymes with marijuana... uhhh I mean Ouija board. Time for bed!

song of the day: Boston- Augustana

Boys Will Be Boys

Another night at Lydia's has past, and tonight was especially a fun one. It was a Sexually Attracted to Fire night (just like every Monday), and we seemed to have a descent crowd. It is a really fun band to play in, and we have known to get some people up on the dance floor at times. It is also a really good gig because we bring in a guest artist every Monday to play a few sets. Tonight we had a guy from Calgary who I will call "Ant" play for us. And I want to tell you a rather humorous story about the evening.

Anyway, I had never heard of this guy before, and he was pretty awesome when he got on stage. Just him and his guitar, and this beautiful, strong voice. I was totally into it. He played great originals, and some really great cover songs that he made his own. He was also extremley funny, and had a very good vibe onstage. Overall I was very impressed.

And I finally got to meet the guy. He was charming, and actually very beautiful, which I hadn't really realized when he was onstage. I told him I liked the music, and then I had to go play a set with Sexually Attracted to Fire. I played, it was good, and then we finally finished I started to pack up my gear. And he approached me. He said he liked the set, and I told him I wanted to buy a CD, and I did.

He was just so nice. He started asking me how long I had been playing bass and about how I got started in music, and I asked him the same things. The entire time I was talking to him I just couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful he was, and how talented he was. Turns out he is 20, just like me, and piano was both of our first instruments. Then Shawn, the entertainment manager at Lydia's approaches him and gives him his number, and tells him to contact him for a weekend show at Lydia's. "Ant" then turns to me and asks me if I would be willing to play bass for him if he brought down a few musicians from Calgary for a show. He gets my number, and all is really going well and then one of the female bartenders walks up to the table to get some empty glasses.

He then hands her a cd for free, after I just had paid for one, and then tells her to sit down and starts talking to her. I think he was just being friendly, because he was that way with everyone tonight which is very cool, but I found it pretty amusing. But the moral of the story is that boys have such a one-track mind, even when they have just been talking business.

Hope my story made you chuckle!

New Apartment, Very New Beginning

Kathryn and I just moved into a new apartment. It is a really awesome place, but the insomnia continues! I don't feel stressed out on a concious level, but my body is telling me I'm stressed. My back is really sore and I can feel the tension. I also am breaking out in hives on my arms. Then there, of course, is the problem of trying to fall asleep at night. There is a reason why I'm in my room with several candles lit, typing away at my computer at 3:30 in the morning. It's not that I have a shitty life, or that I feel like complaning. I love my life and I am truly blessed with many people that love me. It's just sometimes things don't go as planned.

I guess one of the main reasons why I am still awake is that I quit the Theresa gig a few days ago, so I will not be playing with her on her Canadian tour... which only turned out to be eight dates. Unfortunatley for her, the rest of her band decided to quit as well. We were promised two months of solid touring around Canada and even a few dates in the States, and we ended up with two weeks of touring. Four of these dates then got cancelled. I quit a job to go on tour, and I turned down a lot of dates in November in Saskatoon that I could have been playing. I had planned to be gone for two solid months. I was excited about it, and it didn't turn out the way I had hoped and I guess I am feeling a little disapointed.

Disapointment is such a wierd thing to deal with. It feels heavier than other emotions. Like anger, for instance, where you can just swear or hit something and the anger seems to leave, even just for a second. Disapointment is a weight that stays there. I know the Theresa thing could have been a huge opportunity for me, but I also don't want to look like I can be walked all over. I have to believe in my decision even though I have some doubt about the decision I made. But I need to trust myself on this one, because the bottom line is that I don't want to be a door mat, and I need to pay the bills.

Now the future is wide open. I can gig in Saskatoon, and I am hoping that I can be hired at Lydia's to work some shifts to help make life a little easier for myself. I have this great apartment right now with one of my best friends, and we have made it our own. Maybe school in a few years, or maybe Theresa will call me again. I am a little freaked out about the future right now, but I also believe that there is beauty in the unknown.

Anything can happen.