My Dream turned out to be a Nightmare.

I had a little episode last night with the guy I talked about in my last blog, dream* boy. It was definatley worthy of a Sex and the City episode, or maybe America's Funniest Home Videos depending on the way you look at it. In fact, it was more of a nightmare than a dream. And I am posting about it because I am confused about it. I want to laugh about it, but then I realize that I would be laughing at my own and silly, silly life. This story is definatley a forehead slapper... so much, in fact, that I am up before noon and am listening to a Backstreet Boys CD(!??)

Anyway, as you all know, I have kind of been seeing this guy. We were kind of together before, but for many reasons it just wasn't working out, so I started dating Luke. Now that Luke and I are definatley in the past, dream boy are on again... sort of. I say sort of because I didn't really know. I know we both like eachother, and we were considered "seeing eachother", whatever that means, but I really wasn't satisified with this. I was already at the point where I was wanting to define an undefined relationship. I was also getting pretty annoyed with him because he was a cocky shit all the time.**

Last night I went out to visit a great friend at work and we decided we'd go to Lydia's afterwards. I called dream boy to let him know that I would be going and he could show up if he wanted. He did show up, and so did his drunk sister, who is actually my brothers age, and very cool. Anyway, we listened to the band and I mostly danced with Gillian. Last call comes and goes and its time to leave. I tell dream boat I would drive him and his sister home and he asks if I want to come to his house and split a bottle of wine. I sure do! So I drive Gillian home and we all head to his house.

We get there, visit with his sister, and then decide to watch one of my favorite movies, Amelie. Its late (or early, depending on which way you look at it), and we drink wine and sit and its lovely, except we are both in a talky mood, and I am still a little pissed that he told me jazz was just two fives, so I decide I'm going to talk to him about what was bugging me; mainly the bragging and the undefined relationship.

I bring it up, and things kind of got out hand from this point on, and since I am suffering from black outs (not from drinking, but from utter confusion) I can't remember it very clearly. But I do remember this: he started crying.

I was so confused. I guess a little harsh when I talked about the bragging thing. I told him that he was brilliant and I thought he was an amazing musician, but that I felt like he was trying to one up me all the time. Also menetioned the whole "what the hell is this relationship" thing and I guess my confusion was nothing compared to what he was feeling. His response is apparently to cry. In all fairness to me, I don't think he was crying just because I decided to attack him at that point in time but it was more than that.

He started saying how hes wanted to be a band leader his entire life because hes always a sideman, and he seemed genuinely stressed out. But I was just confused. So confused. I am so confused. I am a horrible, horrible person to make someone cry. And I was supportive and I told him I thought he was brilliant and that he was a great musician. I tried everything but he was upset. So I just ran away. I asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he said yes. And then he said he was sorry and wasn't sure what was going on. I told him I was confused and not to bother coming to Lydia's Sunday to see me. Not because I was trying to be mean, but because I thought that was what he wanted to hear. Utter confusion. I left. It was 6 am.

I called him this morning and apologized, but obviously that didn't go as I would have liked it to over the phone. I got all nervous and wanted to talk about everything, but obviously, not a phone conversation. I told him I would like it if he came to Lydia's. He won't come. I know he won't. I can't believe this happened. What the hell!?

So please, I beg of you, what the hell am I supposed to do now!? Do I just let it go and forget it happened? Continue living as if this was just another pothole in the city of Saskatoon? Or should I actually stop and fix it before it wrecks the suspension of my van? I like this guy, but I totally shot him off his horse. Wow. I am truly a piece of work, and I really don't know how I am supposed to fix this halarious, halarious sad mess that I have created for myself. So post comments, or better yet, call my cell phone. This is so ridiculous. I can't even believe it. And the horrible part is that I still think its kind of funny. Damn this horrible thing called my sense of humor.

Anyway, I have a rehersal to go to, so I leave you with this thought of the day:

The Backstreet Boys is to me what the The Bay City Rollers were to my Mom. Savage Garden is to me what Styx were to my Mom.

There is a fine line between the two bands. Just as there is a fine line between constructive criticism and just plain old criticism. If anything, I hope you were able to get a chuckle out of my unfortunate lack of judgement. I know I'll be laughing about this one for awhile.


*Only referred to as "dream boy" because he wrote a song called "dream". I do NOT have a dream boy, he hasn't arrived yet.

**Refer to last post.

Dream, dammit!

Okay, so those of you who know me well know that I love to analyze music and lyrics like a motherfucker. I listen to the songs a billion times, write down the lyrics, and think about how it makes me feel. My emotions could really go either way, but I always find that after I think about the lyrics and the chord structures, the song becomes way more personal to me. I guess its theraputic in a way and helps me to deal with issues in my life, good and bad, head on.

Tonight I stayed in, and have been listening to music. The same song for about half an hour now and I have really been thinking about this one. This song is special in a way. It's written by a local singer/songerwriter who I know quite well. "Quite well" as in we were kind of seeing eachother for awhile. I thought we would end up dating, but it never happened. He was too busy and we just lost contact... until last week when I ran into him Lydia's.

So here is the deal: we have hung out a few times lately, and he's great. But he brags. It is always like he is trying to one up me musically. There has barely been a single conversation that hasn't revolved around his bass, or touring, or how "jazz is all two fives". I cannot believe he told me that jazz is mostly two fives. That really pissed me off. Jazz is a helluvalotmore complex than two fives, let me tell you! He doesn't even play jazz! We aren't in any type of competition with eachother either because we play completley different genres of music. So his bragging leads me to believe either one of two things:

a) He really does feel the need to be better than me and truly does think he is a much better musician than I am.

b) I scare the shit out of him and he feels the need to impress me by talking himself up musically every two fuckin' seconds.

Me being the optomist I am definatley am going with choice b...

Which brings me back to my passion for music analysis. I have been listening to one of his particular songs for about an hour now. It is really well written. All of it. But he will not impress me by bragging about his musical accomplishments 24/7. I guess musicians are less impressive when you are a musician yourself. I want to date a person, not a musician, and I would hope he feels the same. However, if he could be everything to me in his song that he wrote called "dream", now that, my friends, would truly be impressive.

Dream
Look between the silver lines
of the trees I don't mind trying this out for you
if you ask me to
I'll look high and i'll look low
tell you anything you'd like to know
its not where we've been
but where we go

So let me lay you down
Let me me lay you down
let me lie there next to you
and dream

Until the morning through the night
through bad and good we'll be alright
if we just let go of what we think we know

if you want to set the bar
i'll jump wtih you through the stars
and back again to where we begin

so let me lay you down
let me lay you down
let me lie down next to you and dream
let me lay you down
let me lay you down
let me lie there next to you and dream

let me lay you down
let me lay you down
let me lie there next to you and dream

let me lay you down
let me lay you down
let me lie there next to you and dream
the same dream
the same dream

"Pass the kleenex box, please"

Gotta love allergy season. Here I am on a Friday night blowing my nose every five seconds when I'm supposed to be at the always classy Overdrive with Karen. Lovely way to spend a Friday night.

Anyway, I'm gearing up for a very few hectic days. I will be moving out of my house, or my parents house rather, on Monday or Tuesday. That feels so wierd to say that. And I havn't even started packing yet. Also the entire contents of my closet, which is lying on the floor, needs to be washed. This is a huge step. I think I'm ready to take it.

That is all. I hope you had an awesome time givin'r at the ol' OD tonight, Karen.

Night

The Perfect Ending.

It has been about a year since I got hooked on Sex and the City. I realize that this was a little late, considering the sixth season had already come and gone, and generally most people had either seen an episode or five, if not the all of the seasons. I did not though due to the lack of the tv channel that it aired on in my house. Finally a friend introduced me to the show and I got hooked.

The show soon became my favorite and I decided I would have to see them all from start to finish. Of course I would never be able to do this all at once, but every couple of months I would go rent a season on dvd and watch it... usually accompanied by a bag of chips and a pot of chamomile tea. It became a little tradition that I shared with myself, and today I just finished watching the sixth and final season.

I love the show for several reasons. The writing of the show is very smart and I find it terribly funny and witty. But to say that the show is just humorous would only be scratching the service. What makes the show so wonderful is the honesty it uses when approaching personal relationships. Over six seasons you see the characters experience love and heartache, sickness and loss, and you watch them as they make their next big move. It is such a popular show because it is so relatable.

Now I may never be able to experience the feeling of buying a $400 pair of Manolo shoes, live in New York and sleep with a bunch of men but that doesn't matter. It isn't about the specifics. It is about things that you experience everyday in your life. Love. Loss. Heartbreak. Friendship. I know what it feels like to love someone. I know what it feels like to lose someone. I know how it feels to be vulnerable. The details aren't important.

So, of course, I thought the ending was fabulous and closed the series up nicely. Everyone were in their own comfortable place. Everyone had their personal lives in order and everything was as it should be. But what I liked most about the way the series ended was that it really paid tribute to one of the greatest and toughest personal relationships one experiences in life; the relationship that must be healthy in order to have everything else fall into place. The relationship that you have with yourself.

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
- Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

Now You Know Your ABC's... of Teegan!

[A is for age/availability:] 20, and single
[B is for best sport/booze of choice:] Lacrosse or hockey, and Sleeman Honey Brown beer
[C is for career/celebrity crush:] Musician and I have a few celebrity crushes... mainly John Mayer, Ryan Adams, Jason Lewis aka Smith on Sex and the City
[D is for your dad's name:] Steve
[E is for essential item you use everyday/easiest person to talk to:] deoerant, and Mama Gillian
[F is for favorite song at the moment/color:] Movin- Supergrass, and red
[G is for games:] Monopoly
[H is for Hometown:] Saskatoon
[I is for instruments you play:] Double/electric bass, piano, voice, guitar, flute
[J is for juice:] Fruit punch
[K is for kids/kind of music:] Don't want kids ever, and I like pretty much any genre
[L is for longest car ride/last hug:] 22 to Yellowknife, and my last hug was today a couple hours ago
[M is for marriage:] Definatley not any time soon
[N is for number of siblings:] 1
[O is for overnight hospital stays/one wish!:] Was in the hospital for two weeks when I had heart surgery and I have many wishes.
[P is for phobia:] Moths, Spiders, and Grasshoppers in that order.
[Q is for QUOTE:] "With all its sha, drudgery, and broken dreams, its still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy" -Desiderata
[R is for regret/reason to smile:] I have no regrets and I many many reasons to smile because I have lots to be thankful for.
[S is for song you last heard:] The very annoying "hands in my pocket" song from the commercial, unfortunatley.
[T is for time you woke up:] 12:16
[U is for underwear:] Depends on the day.
[V is for vegetable you love/hate:] Corn on the cob, brussel sprouts
[W is for worst habit:] Nail biting.
[X is for x-rays you've had:] Hmmm interesting questions. Probably over 20 for sure.
[Y is for yummy food you make:] I make a mean mac and cheese.
[Z is for zodiac sign:] Aquarius.

Joyspring!

"Spring is my joy!"

This week is probably going to be very crazy but I am very excited. I love spring because it is a new beginning after a long and cold Saskatchewan winter.

Last night I played my very first open stage by myself. Just me, my bass, and my voice. It was terrifying but at the same time very liberating and a great experience. I only played two songs, but that was definatley enough. My family showed up so it was very nice to have them there to support me.

After I played at the open stage I had Sunday Night Jazz at Lydia's. Yesterday in the afternoon the band actually had a rehersal, so last night was tight. Everyone played great and we all had a lot of fun together. The usual crowd was there and lots of new faces too. Our friend Jake also started spinning vinyl during our set breaks. It added so much to the evening it was wonderful.

Another great thing about Lydia's last night was that the "Ness Creek People" showed up. AKA: the people who have the powerful to hire or not to hire the band at one of the hippest (or should I say hippiest) arts festival in Saskatchewan. They treated out set like an audition, and they were super impressed. They said we will proably get an opening spot for the mainstage on the Friday or Saturday night. That is HUGE. I am very excited.

Another huge thing that is coming up in exactly one week is me moving out. This week will be full of packing, and figuring out what stuff we are going to need for the new place. It is wierd to think that in one week, my house won't be my home and I will be sleeping under a new roof. My roof. I am a little anxious about it and a little sad, but mostly I'm just EXCITED! It will proably be really hard for my parents too, but I think they understand that I need to experience living by myself for a little while and grow as a person. I am really going to miss my pathetic Roxi though. She crawls into bed with me every morning. I will miss that.

So lots of exciting news, and some very big steps to be taken in the next week. Spring is beautiful!!

What Kind of Elitist Are You?

I ripped this quiz off of someones blog *cough*Henry and Shawn's*cough* and I thought I would see what type of elitist I was. I'm sure you won't be suprised at the results, especially the part where it says I sing louder than the radio and compare everything to a "freaking song". The only thing that seemed a little off was that I rock the kareoke like nobody's business!

http://www.quizilla.com/users/thebecca/quizzes/What%20Kind%20of%20Elitist%20Are%20You%3F


"Music Provenu

Your CD collection is almost as big as your ego, and you can most likely play an instrument or three. You're a real hit at parties, but you're SO above karaoke.What people love: You're instant entertainment. Unless you play the obo.What people hate: Your tendency to sing louder than the radio and compare everything to a freaking song."

Probably a fair analysis, but they spelled "obo" wrong. Idiots.

420 Enlightenment

As most of you proably already know, today was the official day for marijuana consumption, 420! And what a beautiful 420 it was. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, no clouds, and no wind. The perfect spring day in Saskatoon.

I don't smoke pot, but lots of my friends make a big deal out of this day, so I definatley knew about it. But this morning I woke up this morning with such bad stomach pains that I didn't even realize that it was 420. I stayed in bed hoping the pain would stop until as long as I possibly could, but at one I had to get up to go to a rehersal. I get ready, brush my hair, load up my bass in my car and head downtown to Knox United. As I get out of my car and unload my bass I small something very famliar. Pot.

Yup, it was definatley 420 because someone was celebrating very close by.

My rehersal finishes about an hour later, and the smell is gone now, and I continue on with my day. I go pick up my friend Jillian and we head down to the river to get a lemonade and go for a walk.

So we are walking with our delicious lemonade behind the bess hotel and sure enough, we can smell it again, and sure enough there is a man smoking a joint not to far away from us. We continue walking down by the river, the smell clears for about two minutes, and then we could smell it again. Keep on walking, air clears, and oh! There it is again! This happened throughout our entire walk. Which got us to talking.

Why is it called 420? Both of us have heard a countless number of lame myths about the origin of this uhh tradition? Holiday? Well, whatever. Anyway, we decided we would need to find this out in order to sleep well tonight. Maybe this will clear up a few questions you were having as well. So here ya go. Straight from one of the greatest sites on earth, Wikipedia:

"In American culture, the number 420 (pronounced four-twenty) relates to the consumption of cannabis and elements of its associated culture. The exact origin of the term is unknown. Marijuana users gather on April 20 every year to celebrate and consume marijuana.

Accepted origin
Snopes.com, High Times magazine, The Marijuana-Logues, and The Straight Dope claim that in the early 1970s, a group of teenagers at San Rafael High School in San Rafael, California used to meet every day after school at 4:20 p.m. to smoke marijuana at the water tower. One piece of evidence supporting an origin of the term from the time 4:20 is the fact that the number is always said "four twenty". This theory is also the most cited, and the most widely-accepted.

Other plausible suggested origins
*Marijuana grew wild on or near Highway 420 in Ontario in the 1960s. Whether or not this is true, Highway 420 is the location for an annual legalization protest every April 20th.
*At some American junior or senior high schools, "after-school detention" ends at 4:20. Thus 4:20 signifies the time when the detainees are finally free to smoke after the school day.
*The term could have possibly come from H. P. Lovecraft's "Within The Walls of Eryx" which contains the line, "My route must have been far from straight, for it seemed hours before I was free of the mirage-plant's pervasive influence... When I did get wholly clear I looked at my watch and was astonished to find that the time was only 4:20." This theory for the origin of 4:20 was first postulated on the official website for the rock band Tool.
*An ounce of marijuana going for $300, sold gram by gram (at $15), equals $420."

Interesting, hey? I was one of those people who thought the Bob Marley died on April 20th, but that isn't correct at all. Bob Marley actually died on May 11. Knowledge is power.

Hopefully that enlightened you as much as it did me, and whatever you chose to do today, cannabis related or not, it was definatley a beautiful day in Saskatoon.

Revelation

I just realized that as much as these songs remind me of Luke, they are my own. I like them because they are the soundtrack to my life, not his. Luke just happened to be part of the soundtrack for awhile. These songs are mine. They just happened to be relevant in my life at the same time Luke was relevant. There is a difference though.

The only difference between the two is that unlike good music, Luke didn't stand the test of time.

The "Ouch" Playlist

It has to be done. It is not going to pleasant and it definatley won't be pretty. But it needs to be done because today on numerous occasions I heard a song that reminded me of Lucas and it was painful. So I made a playlist. It is called the "Ouch" playlist and it contains all of the songs that remind me of him in some way or another. There are 54 songs, which is not a lot at all, considering I could have included entire albums.

Now one might ask the obvious question. Why would someone want to inflict this pain and torture on themself?

Well, as all of you know, I am a very musical being. Everyday there is a new soundtrack to my life. The songs of "Ouch" are all ones that I love dearly, and Luke and I just ended up making memories to them. And there are so many memories and we listened to so much music together. I need to do this because facing the pain is crucial. I don't need to be dealing with this three months later when I hear a song that reminds me of him. I need to get this out of the way when the emotions are still fresh. I have always been a person that likes to deal with things head-on. So this is it. Musical-break-up-therapy.

It is quite an interesting little adventure I have got myself into. All of the songs have different memories, and some of them are way harder to listen to than others. Jason Collett reminds me of playing chess and drinking red wine together. This certain Feist song reminds me of the beginning of our relatioinship when we were both so crazy about eachother and I made him listen to the song over and over in my van. And Jeff Buckley reminds me of the end.

The end... its hard to believe its over.

So, if you will excuse me, I have a date with misery... but just for tonight.


Song of the Day: A few of the "Ouch" list favorites of course!

It Won't Be Long- Jason Collett
The Mast- Feist
You Came Along- Joel Plaskett Emergency
Forget Her- Jeff Buckley
To Be Along With You- Sufjan Stevens

the end.

Post secret is a great little site that has gotten a little bit of following lately, including myself. Basically, people just send in their secret on some type of postcard or art and it gets put up on the site. Every Sunday new secrets are posted. Most of the time I can't relate to most of the secrets, because they are personal, but two of last weeks were alarmingly relevant in my life with a current relationship I was involved in.

Anyway, the breakup happened on Saturday night. And these two post secrets can pretty much sum up what happened quite nicely. Except there was only one girl that screwed him up. His ex girlfriend that he dated for three years. They have been broken up for about a year and a half and she still has a huge hold on him in a way that I can't even imagine.

And that wasn't even the huge issue. The huge issue was that he was being very distant as of late and I needed to talk to him about it, which is good, right? In relationships you need to address something if its bothering you. You can fight it out, or just agree to fix it. Luke just thought it would be easier to break up because he "wasn't being fair to me". Naturally I tried to change his mind, but soon realized that wasn't going to happen and this needed to be finished.

The sad thing is that we would still be dating if I would have kept my mouth shut.

But why should I have to keep my mouth shut? I'm glad I spoke up, and instead of being sad and upset because I liked him, I'm madder than hell. Especially yesterday when he owed me 30 dollars and had my chess board. I had to go to his house and get them. I was so bitchy. And he deserves it.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." ~Author Unknown

Go to postsecret.blogspot.com

This is a new beginning, dammit!

Annoying Chain Letter Blog

This was emailed to me. It was in a chain letter sort of format, which I hate. You know the ones that say "email this to ten of your friends and you will find a guy who meets all of these qualifications in 24 hours exactly" or some stupid garbage like that. So, I figured I would post it on my lovely little blog... maybe then I will only have to wait two hours instead of 24.

"Find a guy..
Who calls you beautiful instead of hot..
Who wants to spend every minute of the day with you..
Who calls you up when he is thinkin of you..
Who isnt afraid to say i love you..even infront of his friends..
Who calls you back when you hang up on him..
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep..
Wait for the guy..
Who kisses your forehead..
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats..
Who holds your hand in front of his friends..
Wait for the one..
Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you..
Who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
The one who doesn't care about what others say.. he just wants to be with you..
The one who treats you like a person..
The one who can always make you smile..
The one who makes you feel safe when he holds you..
The one who will always be there for you no matter what..
The one who says HE is lucky to have YOU"

Can I have my cake and eat it too? Or should this be a checklist... like say if he does five of these things hes worth dating for a little bit, and if he checks over ten... well then! Hes a keeper! This list is just so general. Of course most girls would hold out for this. But would they be looking for something unattainable? These type of lists are so lame.

I wonder if there are lists just like these, but for men.

Something tells me not.

Breakdown, or Break Through?

I finally broke down last night. It was horrible. I was hanging out with Luke and we were playing chess and drinking wine and it was all fine and good, but it still felt like we were both distant and off in other lands. We hadn't seen eachother all week, and he was whining (his words, not mine!) about being tired so I left so he could sleep. I get about two steps out the door and just break down, and I get in my car and start to drive and listen to music.

I drive home, and then I drive around even more because I don't feel like going inside. It seems like all the pressure of the day, and the pressure were weighing on me so much that I just had to let it out. So I'm letting it all out. And its good. Except I still feel upset about the night because... I don't really know why. It just seems like hes so distant. And I was feeling distant because he was feeling distant and there was this big lump of confusion in my chest. I pick up my phone. I put in Luke's number. All I have to do is push call. And I drive around for ten minutes more.

I finally push call and the number rings. It had only been about 20 minutes since I left his house. He wasn't sleeping yet. Good. He hears me crying and obviously, thats going to make him super uncomfortable. He has only seen me cry once, and it was a controlled cry. Not a breakdown. So hes uncomfortable, and I'm upset, and he apologizes for being distant and I say you don't have to apologize, and now, instead of just pressure and confusion present, there this new uncomfortable vibe in the mix. A quiet one.

Is anything resolved? Does anything really need to be resolved? No. Not really. I was just upset. And today, I feel a little silly about it. But a little better. Its sort of in limbo right now. It could go either way. Showing emotion could be good, or could be bad. It could help with the relationship. Or else he could be freaked out and run away. But I couldn't just keep it in anymore. Any of it. All of it. I don't even know what it was but something was bugging me about well, everything, and I couldn't deal with it. There is no right or wrong awnser when it comes to human emotion. Especially women.

So now there is this like awkward morning after thing where I don't know what he thinks, I don't know if hes freaked out or if its not a big deal. I guess, either way, he knows how I felt. But I really hope I didn't freak him out.

Oh, this is kind of a mess. Maybe I'm just blowing it out of proportion? I hate it when there is no right or wrong awnser. And I hate showing that much emotion. I hate being that vulnerable. It makes you an easy target.

I think I'll just chalk it all up to PMS.

The Next Big Step

I'm moving out. I was excited about two minutes ago, and now I'm getting super anxious. But the deposit is already in and I'm committed to it.

Funny thing was that I was really excited about it until I saw my dog. I love my dog. I will miss her. I wish I could take her with me. How is moving out going to change things with my brother? and my parents?

I hope I made the right decision.

Teegan's Official Asshole Award

The Asshole Award is presented to ignorant individuals who show outstanding achievement in one of more of the following catagories:

a) Annoying persons
b) Mean persons- also includes rude, obnoxious, greedy, selfish, bad tempered, disagreeable, dishonorable, evil, formidable, hard, malicious, nasty, sour, unfriendly, unpleasant, abrupt, abusive, bad-mannered, crabby, inconsiderate, impolite, intrusive, uncultured, uncivilized, racist, vulgar, insolent, cruel, creepy, cantankerous, churlish, contentious, difficult, cross, grouchy, ill-natured, offensive, bothersome, damned, malevolent, ornery, pesky, spiteful, vicious, pretentious, snobbish, conceited, fake, demanding, bossy, audacious, cocky, cold, disdainful, know-it-all, smug, snooty, snippy, snotty, stuck-up, vain(you proably think this song is about you), brash, careless, discourteous, intolerant, reckless, tactless, thoughtless, and/or corrupt beings
c) Insensitive persons
d) All of the above


I am proud to present the first Asshole Award to a guy who I like to call "The dick in the red shirt who punched my water glass intentionally at Lydia's".

This man is the proud recipient of my esteemed award because he actually punched my glass of water. Who does that?! And then when I firmly told him to stop it he mocked and verbally abused me in front of my friend.

A true gentleman.

Decisions, Decisions

I wish I could go to sleep but my stomach is in knots, just as it was this morning. I have never felt so anxious or pressured in my life. I can feel it in my back, my jaw, my arms, my fingers, and in my heart. It seems as though five million issues came up all at once and need to be solved immidiatley.

Okay, so maybe not five million. But there are few very important decisions to be made so it really does feel like five million. My stomach just groaned in approval. Lovely.

My first "issue" is a simple yes or no question. Unfortunatley, its not that simple. I need to decide soon if I am going to hop a cruise ship and work as a musician for three months. Now, this sounds like it should be easy. I know more people that I can count on my fingers and toes that would take that opportunity in second. I, on the other hand, would find it very hard to pick up and just leave. I would be leaving my family, my bands, my friends, my dog... the list is never ending. Of course it would be amazing to travel and get paid for it, but I don't know if I am ready for it. Last night I decided that I would brainwash myself to do it, so when I went to sleep I said over and over "I will go on a cruise, I will go on a cruise, I will go on a cruise, etc". I thought this would be a brilliant plan. Unfortunatley I woke up with jabbing pains in my stomach and then got sick. Awesome. If only it were a simple yes or no question.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately would be another huge step, but one that I would be more willing to take. Movin' out. There is an amazing opportunity to move in with two great friends and musicians in a very central area. It would be fantastic, and it would be a great learning experience. But I need to find a job.

I can't find a job. I have applied everywhere. I was certain I would get a couple but all of them fell through much to my dismay. If I can't find a job, I can't move out, and I won't be able to pay back my parents the shitload of money I owe them for dropping out of school. Fantastic.

And now, just to top it all off, I have a personal relationship "issue" with someone who I think I am starting to really fall for. Usually this would thrill me, but right now its tearing me up inside. The worst part about it is that I don't know if its just me. I could be making a big deal out of something and blowing it out of proportion. But what if it really is that bad. I mean its bad enough that I can't sleep, and that emotionally I feel somewhere along the lines of oh, lets see... garbage.

I know that space is good in a relationship and that too much time together can be a bad thing. I know its good to be with your friends and not forget about them. I know you don't have to call as soon as you get a chance. I know that you can be friends with an ex. I know that "couple time" doesn't have to be every single night of the week. I know that people get busy with work. And, most importantly, I know that when you are in a relationship, it doesn't have to run your life. But where do you draw the line? And, more importantly, how do you know when someone has crossed it?


Song of the Day
The Hardest Part- Ryan Adams

Love and Chess

Picture this if you will:

I am bored out of my mind so I start randomly exploring blogs on blogspot just trying to pass time. Of course I am not finding anything very interesting, which is to be expected when reading things about peoples life you don't know. Sooo anyway, I randomly come across this blog and it starts ranting about how being a teenager is easy compared to the phase in which we are all stuck in right now- young adults. It was a great rant, so I keep reading.

So I'm reading and reading and her rant finishes and she starts a new paragraph on a totally different topic. This topic being marriage. Now, love is interesting anyway you look at it. It can cause so much happiness but it can also put you in complete agony in a matter of seconds... so naturally, I keep reading. She explains how she believes marriage is the number one cause of divorce, which is true. Then she explains how too many people see dating as a path to marriage, and that she doesn't believe in that. I am skeptical of her theories, until I read this:


"Well because I don't believe that dating is a direct path to marriage, but more of a game of snakes and ladders or chess. You learn from your mistakes and apply that knowledge to your next big move. Some of your pawns, rooks or knights may get picked off but these are the sacrifices you make. Doesn't mean those pieces weren't helpful altogether. Who knows, perhaps that one white knight helped you take down half of the board. He may not make it to the end, but it was still worth having that piece in the game. And when it comes down to it, the last piece you want standing is that king."

I think she is a smart cookie, whoever she is. It is interesting that there is such a high divorce rate in this day and age. It seems that she may have a point with her notion of not believing in the expectation of dating leading to marriage. I mean, obviously, one day along the line, marriage could happen, but her whole idea of this "dating to marry" is that people rush into it. It seems that people do it because its available and there is a pressure to get married in society. It seems that people are willing to say "I do", before they can truthfully, truthfully mean and understand "I love you" with all of their heart.

What happened to dating someone because they make you feel good and you like spending time with them? The only expectation that you have is that you show up for your date on Saturday. The only expectations that you have are the ones that you have discussed together in an open and honest dialouge. There are no guessing games, and there are no assumptions because everything is already layed out on the table for both of you.

As far as our little game of chess goes, playing a million games of chess, kissing goodbye a million shy pawns, creative rooks, knights in shining armour, and even a few queens would pale in comparison to losing the one that mattered the most, the King, just because I thought I could have it all in the first game.



listening to right now:
House Where Nobody Lives- Tom Waits

"how do you keep love alive"

I got my first Backstreet Boys cd when I was in grade five. I loved them dearly, and were the first artists that I invested in not only financially, but also emotionally. I listened to the Backstreet boys for a good four years. They wrote songs about love, and about loss... and about lots of lame things too, but it was relevant to me at that age. I didn't really know what love was, but I knew that I could connect with their music. And I loved Nick Carter.

Around grade ten my tastes started to change, just like many other things in my life. By the time I hit grade eleven, my tastes were completley different. The Backstreet Boys were replaced with a more mature sounding artist, one that I could relate to more now that I was a little older. I fell in love with John Mayer.

I have a very interesting relationship with John Mayer's music... as in, he write songs about me and doesn't even know it. John Mayer comforted me when I needed to be comforted, celebrated with me when I was celebrating, and most of all, cried with me when I feeling sad. Whatever my emotion, he was there right along with me. He never preached, never judged, and was suprisingly comforting. I will carry that with me wherever I go.

So, here I am at the beginning of my twenty's, and I am not the same person I was when I started listening to John Mayer when I was sixteen. Change is constant, but you don't always realize that its constantly going on around you. I knew I had changed when I put Ryan Adams on before John Mayer on a day when I was especially upset. Change is a beautiful thing.

Ryan Adam's music is incredibly personal. Just like John Mayer, Ryan Adam's music can tune into every emotion that I'm feeling, or help me tune out when I need it. If I can't identify with his lyrics, I can identify with the passion in his music. I can feel it. Its soul.

I will leave you with the lyrics to one of my favorite Ryan Adams songs. It is off of his album, Cold Roses, with his band "The Cardinals". The lyrics are beautiful, but you need to hear the song. You will cry.

How Do You Keep Love Alive

Lord, I miss that girl
On the day we met the sun was shining down
Down on the valley riddled with horses running
crushing them with flowers I would have picked for her on the day she was born
She runs through my veins like a long black river
And rattles my cage like a thunderstorm
Oh my soul

What does it mean? What does it mean? What does it mean to be so sad?
When someone you love Someone you love is supposed to make you happy
What do you do
How do you keep love alive?
When it won't

What, what are the words they use when they know it's over
"We need to talk," or"I'm confused, maybe later you can come over"
I would've held your mother's hand on the day you was born
She runs through my veins Like a long black river
and rattles my cage Like a thunderstorm
Oh, my soul

What does it mean? What does it mean? What does it mean to be so sad?
When someone you love someone you love is supposed to make you happy
What do you do How do you keep love alive?
When it won't
How do you keep love alive


"I would have held your mothers hand on the day you was born"
Ladies and Gentleman, that is beautiful. That single line is so powerful, and so sincere. Beauty, at its finest.