toxic

Relationships are forever. Whether it is your best friend from kindergarten you lost tough with in highschool, your first boyfriend you broke up with in grade 10, or your most recent boyfriend that you broke it off with in May, they will always be a part of who you are. This was the lesson that I was destined to learn this particular Monday evening.

I played with Sexually Attracted to Fire tonight, and the guest artist was a local band from Saskatoon... who decided to pick up my ex-boyfriend as the pedal-steel guitar player. Awesome. I knew this was coming for weeks too, and I ignored it for as long as I could. But this morning I woke up preparing for the invitable, and sure enough it eventually came.

I was rude to Luke tonight when he first talked to me talked to me (which was also the last), but I couldn't help it. I had the defensive play down to a tee. I was sarcastic, cold, and it was obvious that I had a wall up. And rightfully so. I have nothing but respect for Luke as a musician, and I was ready to support that tonight, even though I went to Lydia's tonight feeling that he never seems to support me. He never comes to my shows, and he seems to diminish the fun that I have when he told me about his experience jamming with Satf. I was defensive for a reason... plus he broke my heart. And the night when on. He played, and then I got up on stage and we played a set. The saddest part of the night was that I was aware of his presence all night... I needed up to know where he was at all times. I couldn't help it.

And the second set came along. It was going really well, and then all of a sudden one of Luke's friends came and told me that I was blocking his car in Lydia's parking lot. This was in the middle of set... we weren't done playing yet, and it completley threw off my concentration. And I immidiatley thought that Luke sent her to do it, and didn't have the balls to do it himself... which pissed me off. And then the set ended... so I went to yell at Luke.

And by yell I mean ask what the deal was. It was such a double standard. I would never confromt him, let alone get a friend to confront him if he was in the middle of a set, or even just on stage. It is disrespectful. I told him that, and the girl that told me, and then I went and moved my van. I packed up my bass and then went outside... Luke was there. He wanted to talk to me about the whole thing... and apparently he never sent the girl to talk to me... even though that is how it looked to me. It ended up being a blowout. We hurt eachother on a few different levels, and maybe I got a few things out I wanted to say in awhile, but we left, and ended up finishing it on msn. It was horrible. There are no other words to express it.

My point? Relationships never end, especially ones that used to function on an intimate level. And why would it? It is simple really. You had feelings for the person in the first place, so even if it didn't work out there is always going to be that attraction, and that care for the person even if you did break up. This is why people want so much to get back together even after months of breaking up. That is how I felt tonight. Just talking to that person, or hearing about them can bring back all the memories of why you dated in the first place, and why you loved them. And then try playing a gig with them. Good luck. I wanted more than anything to be rational and cool tonight, but love never seems to be rational... even if it's been over for months. Some people will always be toxic to you.

And I know I will have found the "one" when they aren't toxic to my well-being. And by that I mean someone who IS NOT a complete, selfish jackass.