New Apartment, Very New Beginning

Kathryn and I just moved into a new apartment. It is a really awesome place, but the insomnia continues! I don't feel stressed out on a concious level, but my body is telling me I'm stressed. My back is really sore and I can feel the tension. I also am breaking out in hives on my arms. Then there, of course, is the problem of trying to fall asleep at night. There is a reason why I'm in my room with several candles lit, typing away at my computer at 3:30 in the morning. It's not that I have a shitty life, or that I feel like complaning. I love my life and I am truly blessed with many people that love me. It's just sometimes things don't go as planned.

I guess one of the main reasons why I am still awake is that I quit the Theresa gig a few days ago, so I will not be playing with her on her Canadian tour... which only turned out to be eight dates. Unfortunatley for her, the rest of her band decided to quit as well. We were promised two months of solid touring around Canada and even a few dates in the States, and we ended up with two weeks of touring. Four of these dates then got cancelled. I quit a job to go on tour, and I turned down a lot of dates in November in Saskatoon that I could have been playing. I had planned to be gone for two solid months. I was excited about it, and it didn't turn out the way I had hoped and I guess I am feeling a little disapointed.

Disapointment is such a wierd thing to deal with. It feels heavier than other emotions. Like anger, for instance, where you can just swear or hit something and the anger seems to leave, even just for a second. Disapointment is a weight that stays there. I know the Theresa thing could have been a huge opportunity for me, but I also don't want to look like I can be walked all over. I have to believe in my decision even though I have some doubt about the decision I made. But I need to trust myself on this one, because the bottom line is that I don't want to be a door mat, and I need to pay the bills.

Now the future is wide open. I can gig in Saskatoon, and I am hoping that I can be hired at Lydia's to work some shifts to help make life a little easier for myself. I have this great apartment right now with one of my best friends, and we have made it our own. Maybe school in a few years, or maybe Theresa will call me again. I am a little freaked out about the future right now, but I also believe that there is beauty in the unknown.

Anything can happen.