Stupid Slutty Musicians

Beck said it best:

"I think I'm in love but it makes me kind of nervous to say so".

I think we have definatley all felt this way one time or another. Lately I seem to feel it a little too often. It's not that I'm some boy crazy maniac, but it seems that lately I have been looking for a relationship more than I have been say... oh, two weeks ago. I don't really understand what's in me that changed, because two weeks ago I would have said that I wasn't even interested in a relationship, even if there was someone there to start it with.

And there isn't really even one to start something with. The boy that I am finding myself attracted to is someone that I would find attractive. He is confident, and he's a bass player. But this isn't someone I would ever consider dating. He's a typical musician slut, and the first night that I saw him at Lydia's when he was playing on a Friday night. He was sitting with a woman at the bar that I was sure he would be taking home that night. I just watched him, and hung out with my friends after-hours, and he eventually left... same time as me, but with someone. I went home.

But I acutally met him the next night when a friend introduced us. I was really cold to him though. I assumed that he was a typical rockstar slut like so many of my male musician friends are, and I didn't want anything to do with him. He asked me to play a game of pool though, and even though I was rude the entire time we ended up hanging out afterwards. Nothing really happened, even though he tried. But we did visit, and we did connect, and I ended up leaving him the next morning before he woke up. I did leave my number though, and I didn't think anything of it. I chalked it up to a fun night with a new bass player friend Calgary.

I never expected that he would call me, but the weekend that I spent with Jeff in Regina, he did. I was sitting on Jeff's couch watching a Prince video. It was wierd because I didn't know who it was, but when he told me I didn't believe him. We talked for about ten minutes, and then we exchanged email addresses.

And now I am sitting here on a Thursday night at 3:00 a.m. in the morning waiting for a message, because that is what we do. We have been talking on the computer every morning, and almost every night. Pretty lame, but we had a connection when he was in Saskatoon with his band, and it has seemed to transferred over to an internet connection... the only connection that one can have easily between Saskatoon and Calgary. It seems to have even become more than that though.

The other night we were talking, and the conversation led him to tell me that he liked me. So he likes me. Great, right? Wrong. It is wrong because he is in Calgary and now we have Teegan, queen of being single and independant, thinking about some stupid bass player slut in Calgary. Somehow he has managed to become something so much more than a sort of one night thing that I talk to occasionally online about bass amps and bass guitars. He has become someone who I have shared recordings of my music with, and personal things with. I think about dating and how we would even try to make it work. We get along, and there is definatley a mutual attraction, who could blame me?

But I'm sure he's a slut. I know that sounds horrible, but I know so many of them and I can read them like a book, because so many of my guy friends are exactly that. I see musicians in Saskatoon even just on a dance floor, and the way the treat women and the way they can pass the ones that are willing around back and forth between them all. I see the way that they eye-fuck every woman who is dancing from the stage when they are playing their instrument. And I've seen them at the after-parties, where they invite girls up to the band room to drink as much alcohol as quick as possible as they all decide which girl they want to take to their bedroom. I hate these girls, as much as I feel sorry for them.

I have always been proud of the fact that all my skanky musician guy friends respect me. They would never even think of trying to take me home, even if they wanted to because they know that I am not like that. They tell me I look good, that I'm talented and they stay far away. They aren't interested in a "girl like me", and I'm not interested in someone who sleeps around all the time like they do. But somehow I wonder if I have become one of those girls, even just a little bit, because even though our contact is limited, I think i'm sort of, maybe a little bit, just kinda falling for this guy in Calgary.

But I know I can't. I know his type, and he's given me proof of his type in the form of a song. A song that he wrote. It is actually a very, VERY beautiful song. I listened to it and it made me like him more, until I heard a particular line in his song. It felt like I was slapped in the face, and it snapped me back to reality. A reality where I remember that I am not some random girl that you met at one of your shows. A reality where I am not the girl you take home that was on the dance floor one night watching you. One simple line in his song that revealed so much:

"Could she be perfect for only one night"

If he really wants me he'll get in a car, a plane, or a bus to see me, because I am not a one night type of girl.

And I just got a message from him.