Breakdown, or Break Through?

I finally broke down last night. It was horrible. I was hanging out with Luke and we were playing chess and drinking wine and it was all fine and good, but it still felt like we were both distant and off in other lands. We hadn't seen eachother all week, and he was whining (his words, not mine!) about being tired so I left so he could sleep. I get about two steps out the door and just break down, and I get in my car and start to drive and listen to music.

I drive home, and then I drive around even more because I don't feel like going inside. It seems like all the pressure of the day, and the pressure were weighing on me so much that I just had to let it out. So I'm letting it all out. And its good. Except I still feel upset about the night because... I don't really know why. It just seems like hes so distant. And I was feeling distant because he was feeling distant and there was this big lump of confusion in my chest. I pick up my phone. I put in Luke's number. All I have to do is push call. And I drive around for ten minutes more.

I finally push call and the number rings. It had only been about 20 minutes since I left his house. He wasn't sleeping yet. Good. He hears me crying and obviously, thats going to make him super uncomfortable. He has only seen me cry once, and it was a controlled cry. Not a breakdown. So hes uncomfortable, and I'm upset, and he apologizes for being distant and I say you don't have to apologize, and now, instead of just pressure and confusion present, there this new uncomfortable vibe in the mix. A quiet one.

Is anything resolved? Does anything really need to be resolved? No. Not really. I was just upset. And today, I feel a little silly about it. But a little better. Its sort of in limbo right now. It could go either way. Showing emotion could be good, or could be bad. It could help with the relationship. Or else he could be freaked out and run away. But I couldn't just keep it in anymore. Any of it. All of it. I don't even know what it was but something was bugging me about well, everything, and I couldn't deal with it. There is no right or wrong awnser when it comes to human emotion. Especially women.

So now there is this like awkward morning after thing where I don't know what he thinks, I don't know if hes freaked out or if its not a big deal. I guess, either way, he knows how I felt. But I really hope I didn't freak him out.

Oh, this is kind of a mess. Maybe I'm just blowing it out of proportion? I hate it when there is no right or wrong awnser. And I hate showing that much emotion. I hate being that vulnerable. It makes you an easy target.

I think I'll just chalk it all up to PMS.